When exactly will he grow up and am I really ready for it?

Tonight I sit marveling at the sleeping man-child that I gave birth to almost 12 years ago. This is the baby that my grandmother took one look at and said, "He's been here before." She was right. He has a wise old soul. The exact combination of innocence and knowledge that makes you pull your hair out one moment and stare in awe the next. In sleep he seems so innocent. It is then that I can see the man inside the child.

This boy has a heart as big as the sky, with a gift of compassion as warm as the sun. He can also be incredibly self-centered and obnoxiously rude. Sometimes he manages to be the best and worst in the span of a nanosecond. He thinks he's all grown up, but I'm still wondering when he's really gonna grow up. This child that cannot sleep if I have not walked him to bed and uttered the nightly exchange we have shared since he could repeat after me. This same boy looks forward to Saturday mornings so he can have snuggle time while we watch cartoons. And this young man doesn't want his friends to see me kiss him goodbye when I drop him at school. There are times when he seems more like a 5-year-old than an 11-year-old. When we watch westerns and he has to have his toy gun 'just in case', when he throws a tantrum, and when he asks the same question 20 times or whines for five minutes straight (actually the whining is more 2-year-old). But then, we're walking through the store and he slips his hand into mine, or stops what he's doing just to tell me he loves me, or he tells me that 24/7 just isn't enough time to spend with me. I know the time is coming soon when he will want to spend less time with me. I also know that, for a time at least, he will be emotionally withdrawn from me.

Still, I find myself asking 'when is this child going to grow up?' At those times I try to stop, breathe, and remind myself that he'll grow up when he's ready. And no, I'm not ready for it, so I will wait, mostly patiently. Because the reality is I love the moments I share with my child. I wouldn't trade a single snuggle, held hand, or I love you for one grown up second.

One of my favorite Trace Adkins songs, "You're Gonna Miss This" is about letting go of things too fast. I will miss this, but I will also remember this and treasure the little blessings this man-child gifts me with. I am lucky to be his mom.